It is along way from Stockholm to Hamburg but the bus is full of DVDs and playstation games so lots to keep everyone occupied for the journey. Squadron leader Annersand has been leading from the front as usual. Having decided that the best way to kill a 30 hour journey was to sleep through most of it, our intrepid leader decided the best plan was to get wasted the night before. However, he had such a good time doing this he woke up in the moring minus his wallet, credit cards and drivers license. We love Anton. You can always expect the unexpected!!
Day Two.
We have been to Hamburg before and love its rock n roll history. Tonights venue is next to the Indira club, the place The Beatles had their first residency before moveing 100 metres up the street to the Star Club. We notice 2 more buses parked over the road and realise Fall Out Boy are in town too. No big deal as we are over sold by more than 100 tickets. There is a touch of nevres in the air from everyone. It is the first show and there have been no production rehersals to test the lights or the stage set up, so the crew are flying blind as well as the bands. No one has any need to worry. By 7.30 the place in so packed the walls are bending outwards. No one, least of all Molotov Jive, were quite prepared for what happned next. The place went crazy. Anton and the boys came out like Mike Tyson and knocked the roof off. The rest of the evening was spent in a slightly drunken haze of Reeperbahn neon as we hopped from bar to bar, finally finding or way back to the bus, now called Guantanamo Bay On Wheels, due to our prision officer type driver who looked like Ned Flanders and hated everyone in a band. He had more stupid rules than a Japanese game show.
Day 3.
We awake in Lingen, somewhere near the Dutch border. Everyone looks as if they slept in a field but within a couple of hours we are all clean , fresh and ready to go again. As we sit in the hostpitality room we can see the crowd beginning to form. Its only 17.00. It looks like it will be another good night. We finally get talking to the show openers, Rafael Weber and his band. Raf is a very talented , slightly shy guy, with some great tunes. His band are made up of his producer Ollie, who always looks like he has slept in a field, Seppes, a complete maniac with more than a passing resemblance to Keith Moon, and Christian, a bass player who decorates the stage each night with Thunderbirds action figures. Its Rafaels first live shows but he is great and grows in confidence as the tour goes by. At 3.am someone mentions that it is the start of summertime and the clock have gone forward one hour. That means it is really 4.am. The big question is, has the bus driver already put his clock forward? We decided not to take the chance and get back to the bus straight away before evil Evil Ned, drives away without us.
Day 4.
We wake up in Cologne and discover tonights venue is a huge old chocolate factory. There is no sign of Charlie or any Oompaloopas, which is sad. Dinner is chicken again.
This is very strange because the show contract states cleary 'No Chicken'. The mystery deepens. Cologne is a senstaional gig for both M-J & SPF and everyone is on a big high as we climb in the bus and head for the aftershow party. Sonny and Cher {Anton and Victor} lead the singing to the song that was to become the signature tune for the tour.
Grace Kelly by Mika. Everyone is having a great time.. all excpet the driver who is shouting for everyone to shut up and stop making a noise. We all ignore him and decide he is in the wrong job.
At 5.am we all stumble back to the bus. Jonas from SPF is so pissed he cannot stand up, Anders from MJ punches Oskar {by mistake} and Anton is already fast asleep with a mustache drawn on his face. We all crash out to the sound of Mika tormenting our brains and a quiet chorus of giggling as everyone has to walk passed Antons bunk before finding their own. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Mika? It might be high camp and very trashy but there was no better feel good tune to go crazy to after a great gig. It's harder to remove from your head than Antons black marker pen mustache was in the morning!!!
Day 6.
We are in Darmstadt. A very nice modern city near Frankfurt. The venue is the biggest on the tour at 1000 capacity. Like Lingen, its modern and well run. The crew are friendly and the food is great. Roast beef in tomato and paprika sauce. The chicken mystery has been solved. When the catering requirments were translated from Swedish to German, No Chicken was written as Only Chicken. Homer Simpson strikes again! Doh!
The show is the craziest yet. The ticket sales were not as big as other shows so the promotors decided there was no need for barriers or big security. Good for us, bad for them. The walk up for tickets at the door is huge and by 21.00 the place is packed. The people infront of the stage are getting crushed and the security men are out of their depth.
The stage divers are getting rough treatment and myself and the promotor have to calm them down. It's their job to keep people safe, not throw them around and scare the shit out of them for having a good time. Anton comes off feeling a little up-tight as the on-stage sound was poor. No so out front. The sound rocked the house and after watching the video footage he's back being his usual loud jumping bean self. Everyone is happy he is happy as it was his best performance so far and it would have been sad if he hadnt been able to share in that. The bus call is 2.am as it is 400 kilometers to Munich. I got to my bunk feeling really proud of the band. They started on a 9 in Hamburg and have managed to improve on this with each gig. Quite something I think. We are on a 9.5 tonight . When is it going to go wrong?
Day 7.
I am awoken at around 9.am by our happy driver diliberately driving over every bump he can find on the road. He looked like Ned Flanders but acted like Mr Burns. I come down stairs for coffee and he tells me with a smile that he has just run over a door that was in the middle of the autobahn. We pay for this for the rest of the tour as the right side suspension is seriously f*****d up after this point. Munich is impressive. I haven't spotted anyone in leather shorts yet but its only 9.30 am. The place looks like it was designed by BMW. Everything is sleek lines, white walls, and black glass. The sun is still low and casts fabulous red shadows between the space age buildings. We could be on Mars.
We arrive at the venue and the space theme continues. Sitting in one corner is a space ship. There is then some debate whether it is an X-wing fighter from Star Wars or an interceptor from Battlestar Gallactica. A fight is avoided. In the other corner is a full size model of Alien. You gotta love those wacky Germans eh!!
I spend my afternoon sitting in some Bavarian clock makers shop, except it wasn't clocks it was guitars. Carl from SPF has trashed two of his Hagstroms and I offer to take them for a quick repair. I sit in the shop and listen to cuckoo clocks chime and whistle. All the time a man in leather shorts is singing songs to himself while he mends the guitars. Periodically he looks up and screams for no apparent reason. . He then bursts out laughing. I smile and try to laugh too but inside Im really scared. He is obviously not well. I look around the walls at the guitars in the store. Which one would I have? Absolutely non of them. They all look like cuckoo clocks with strings. The man finally finishes mending Carls guitars. He crossed the room to test them and trips over a cable, sending him flat on his face. He gets up and laughs like a mad person. I smile and make a mental note of the quickest way to the door.
Back at the venue dinner is being severed. It's chicken!!! {?} No one cares too much this time as we had a change last night. Also, todays serving is made by real chefs brought in from outside. Each meal is bespoke , steamed spring vegetables, chicken fillets in a mushroom and mustard sauce, oven baked sliced potatoes in cheese and taragon sauce, followed by crème brulee, lovingly blow-torched to caramelize the tops.
I notice everyone makes an effort to thank the chefs. It's nice to see and must have made them feel their efforts were appreciated. It's the first time on the tour. The gig is over sold once more. Both bands have security issues tonight. The tour management decide its not wise for any one due to perform to go outside the backstage. The signing sessions are cancelled tonight. Molotov and Sugarplum are very competetive but their friendship is very genuine. I notice how much they push each other and it has really made this tour electric. Once again both bands turn in dynamite performances and the crowd love them both.
2.am the cars arrive to take us all to the Atomic Café for the aftershow. Im the only member of the crew and management who goes. Knoppen, Par, and Frost, are all suffering with a spring fever and decide on an early night. It's my job to get everyone there and get them back. The aftershow is a riot. Christian is on the decks and Mika gets an airing once more. It's like a signal that we can relax and everything that needs to be done is done. I make the bus call at 3.30.am and no one complains. Viktor and Carl are in monkey boy mode, bouncing around the back stage corridors waiting for the cars. Anton appears on a bicycle and proceeds to ride up and down with a girl sitting on the back. It is all a bit surreal.
Day 8.
We wake up in Erlangen. No one has any idea where this is. The venue is another modern kulturehausen/cinema/sportshalle affair. Myslef, Anders, and Johnny take a walk around the city and take some much needed excersize. We come across the offices of the local newspaper and find an article displayed in the window. SPF singer Vikor Norien to play Mick Jagger in new movie. Obviously we all know about this and anyone who knows what Viktor looks like would find it hard not to admit he looks like a young Mick Jagger. Funny then, that the photo to accompany the article is of Carl Norien. Funnier still that the picture of Carl is taken from SPFs current press photo. You know, the one where Viktor {who look just like Mick Jagger}is standing right next to him!!! Homer Simpson stikes again! Doh!
Everyone is suffering the worst hangovers of the tour so far, all expect Anton who is fucked, but not as fucked up as he was after Cologne. He is already in a different league by this point. Knoppen raises the mood by telling us stories of when he lived in West Hollywood. If the guy was not a great tour manager, he has a career on the stage and a comedian. When he tells a story it is like you are there. We go to catering for dinner and get turkey bird curry. The turkey had clearly won many fights before dying. It was as tough as leather and as dry as salt. No one thanks the chef. Knoppen commets that we must all look like asylum seekers.
The show is another success. The crowd barriers have to be held back by the security. We almost have a moment when Antons water got knocked over by a stage diver and poured out all over the electrics on stage. I dive on stage, Oskar reads the situation and jumps clear. I don't want a fried Anton on my hands. Neither do I want the stage to blow a fuse before SPF.
Everyone is in a bit of a bubble today. We are half way through the tour and, just like a marathon runner, we have hit the wall. It's painful but you know it will pass if you keep going. We all felt much better when we met Rafael and his band. They looked like they had not slept at all. That made us feel much better.
Day 9.
I wake up early and open the blinds in the bus. We are rolling into Berlin. This giant city in world history. You can smell its presence. Maybe that is why I awoke. I like to think so. Everywhere you look you can smell the wonderful, sometimes painful heritage of its past. More beautiful maybe is the sense of the future it holds. It's vibrant and happening, and the 21st century Berlin feels like a city looking forward not backwards. That feels good. SPFs drummer, Christian, has cracked a cymbal and in true rock star fashion, simply makes phone call to Switzerland {as you do} to get another one.
Myself, Christian, and Johnny Handsome jump in a cab and head for a drum store to collect another cymbal that Christians sponsor has arranged for us to pick up. I find Christian a very interesting guy. He is very educated and has an easy going, yet commanding knowledge. We collect the cymbal and hail a taxi. We decide to see something of this wonderful city. Our driver agrees to show us the sites. It is clear he feels very pleased that we have an interest in his home city and he treats us to a guided tour with the pride of a local.
The most stirring site is the Holocuast memorial by the Brandenburg Gate. As an Englishman {albeit of a French family line}} I found it most moving, and felt a huge repect for Berliners. It is a stark and imposing monument to a very dark time in Germanys history.
As we drove around it , Christian, Johnny, and myself felt all the emotions it was designed to stimulate. We sat in silence yet it was as if we could hear the voices of the millions it exists to remember. Faceless grey stones that have no shape or name but are so huge and vast they cannot be ignored or easily forgotten. It says it all really. We drove away to see the big tower that Bono stands on in the U2 video for Far Away, So Close, passing the Reichtag on the way. Bonos poetic performance was bit lost on us by this point. We all felt like better and wiser people for seeing that place.
Berlin is over sold by 150. It is a hot gig. 50 degrees on stage. Both bands have a great but tough gig under the heat. The cars have arrived. Time to go to White Trash, Berlins most 'up your own ass' friendly doorman night club. Despite having AAA. Location B, passes, all our guest are being refused entry due to sports foot wear, last years model of cellphone, or possession of an ugly girlfirend! We walk past looking embarrassed and lie that we will try to sort it out. The promotors have laid on some tables and it is also David {bass boy for SPF} birthday. He is 21 and has spent the day collecting presents from fans outside the gig. Sonny and Cher lead everyone in choruses of Swedish birthday and drinking songs. Anton & Viktor should have their own TV show, believe me! Special mention to Jonnifer, our uber camp waiter. Imagine the bass player from Spinal Tap meets the Sissor sisters! He keeps winking at Viktor.
The bands all head to Rosis, in yet another fleet of taxis paid for by the promotors, and that we get a bill for later. The rest of us head back to Guantanamo Bay on Wheels. Molotov Jive wake up to show us all photos of them sitting in a bath tub in a field….Looked like a great place… glad I didn't go.
Bremen is under siege. My courtyman Tony Blair, Frau Merkel, Fredrik Rienfeld, Dirty Jaques Chirac, and a whole host of amassadors for the badly dressed of the world, are in Bremen to talk about …well who knows? The sky is full of Hellacopters and the streets are full of fat cops. Tonight venue is spectacular. The Modernes. It's a 1930s art décor cinema and unitl 20 years ago was a porno cinema. The roof also slides off and I walk in at mid day to see blue sky though a huge circle in the roof. Spectacular and a trimuph of art over common sense. I like that!
Knoppen shows up and looks at the PA. He smiles like he's just been asked to go back to Angelia Jolies hotel room after she's had six large cocktails and bought some condoms right in front of him. Par is happy too. We all agree that, even if its sounds shit, it looks da bomb! It doesn..t and it does
Catering is interesting. It's the best since Munich and prepared by a very camp chap called Freddie, {Camp Freddie?} and his wife…Piggy. Lots of fresh Italian tomato soup, Goulash, etc. I note everyone thanking them again. It is nice to see, especially Viktor and Anton, who clearly make their presence and position known when they are around.
It is an early show tonight as there is a club night happening straight after. Knoppen is not happy as it's a big set up tonight and it is not going to be a quick load-out. Raf plays at 20.10, ten minutes after doors open. He is great again and his band are a joy to watch. Totally pro in their performances. Nothing is any big deal. It all looks like falling of a log in a river.
We have 500 kilometers to go to Lumembourg so it's a midnight bus call. I am walking from the bus to the club when the after show pizzas arrive. As I have seen 3 members of each band standing by the bus so I decide to direct them to the bus rather than the veune.
We are parked in a secure area next to the club but the wire fences that separates us from the fans some 2 metres away. The bus driver kicks off that people are using the bus toilet while we are parked and not using the venue toilet or the local bushes. Jonas is feeling like everyone else and reminds the driver just who the fuck is paying for this bus?
Carl joins in and asks the driver if he should piss infront of 200 fans behind the fence. He has a point, you have to admit. We roll out of Bremen in a bad mood. It is SPFs best show on the tour and they should be very high. We all remember that we have been living in each others house for 10 days and by the moring everyone is back to normal.
Day 10.
No one has been to Luxembourg before. I have visons of it looking like some fairy kingdom with white castles and soliders dressed liked toys. I am kind of half way. The castles and fairytle landscape are everywhere you look but no toy soldiers. Atalier is a great venue. As usual the travelling fans are there before we are. {?} and we take a walk around town. It is very French and the Luxembourgish are very proud of their heritage.
The language reminds me of Normandy French or Cockney London English. It is a soup of so many different cultures, French , Gallic, Germanic, and Hueganot Jewish. It seems a very happy and relaxed place. It is the last night of the tour and also April Fools day.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it is the day when you play jokes on your friends. Myslef and SPF are sitting in the sunshine. We discuss possible practical jokes and decide that the funniest one would the to tape the bus driver to the front of the bus and drive home for 36 hours. Maybe his wig will blow off! Every one keeps telling Viktor that Jonnifer is coming tonight!!! He thinks we are joking but he's not sure.
Molotov do their job and set the standard for the night. It is high as always and SPF respond. During Sugarplums set Molotov Jive put on over coats and sun glasses before entering the press pit and acting like dancing paparazzi. It is tradition on tour to play some jokes on the last night. SPF enter into the spirit and pull every cartoon face you can imagine. Molotov leave the press pit and Par, SPFs manager, gives them all a high five. Its nice to know he sees the fun. The more we have got to know him, the more we have all learned from him. That is how it should be.
It is time to go. Daniel and the Luxembourgish crew are arranging an aftershow but we have 36 hours to travel and the crew need to catch their flights in Lubek at 15.00 the next day. The crowds are around the bus and Sonny and Cher once more sing the last goodbye. The cops turn up again. They take a look and decide it is just a bunch of drunken Swedes with big smiles and no malice. We climb on to Guantanamo bay once more and open Knoppens 20 year old malt whiskey. The bands are upstairs dancing to Mika and ….. well……………making lots of noise.!!!!
The bands are dancing and happy. The management and crew are sitting down stairs drinking vintage malt. Everyone is happy. Everyone agrees that it has been a good tour, not least because MJ and SPF have made it easy for us. There are not many politics between them, just professional respect and competition.
When we arrived in Lingen on the second day, we looked as if we had slept in a turnip field. When were rolled up in Stockholm 36 hours later we look like we had slept in a turnip field for a week.
Everyone will be happy to see their own homes for the first time in two weeks but there is a sadness that it is all over. Germany has certainly made Molotov Jive very welcome and the band cannot wait to get back there.
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